Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Randomize
