i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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