were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Randomize
