He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
