You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
