dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
