gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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