WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
