oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
