Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
