Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
i think my cat just said my name.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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