I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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