I cannot find my penis.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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