It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize