she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Randomize
