I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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