FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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