guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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