How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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