I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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