Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
