sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize