My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
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