so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
