It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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