my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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