I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
