i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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