Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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