so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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