I cannot find my penis.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This baby is an asshole
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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