Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
