and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
