i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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