Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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