I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
