Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
We need a shit load of segways right now
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
