I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
