Just took my morning after pill in the library
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
