my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
