My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
