Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
