I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize