Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Randomize