I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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