ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Randomize
