So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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