I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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