dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
