seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
