I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
