I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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