just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
