Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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