I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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