the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
