Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
